When it comes to affairs of the heart, we are all beginners. Some of us, however, at least speak with authority. Introducing Shon Faye, author of The Transgender Issue (2021) and the forthcoming Love in Exile (2025), whose advice caught our eye. Contact her at [email protected] for your own chance at enlightenment.
Dear Shon,
Is it possible to stay in a (happy) relationship with an addict?
When I met this person three months ago, it was by chance, IRL (fun!), and we fell in love very quickly. He’s smart, sexy, emotionally intelligent, charismatic, kind, and thoughtful; I have never felt so loved and understood. Initially I wasn’t aware of the extent of his cocaine use. I knew he used it but not how much a part of his life it was. As we got to know each other, it became more apparent.
His experience with addiction and recovery has been quite turbulent over the past several years: He was sober and clean for 18 months at one point; six months ago he was using multiple times a week. Now he uses roughly every three weeks, and he’s currently in therapy for substance abuse.
Over the past few months, he’s tried sobriety in varying forms—not drinking and not using, then drinking and not using—but he has relapsed three times (always when drinking). He’s very open about it with me and feels an enormous amount of shame and guilt each time. I feel deeply for him. I have tried supporting him the best I can, and I love him so much, but I’m finding the cycles of relief, anxiety, and heartache almost too much to bear. What should I do?
Sincerely,
Heartbroken
Dear Heartbroken
Get out while you still can. At three months you should still be having fun, still getting to know the person, keeping things light. To be writing in to an advice column because you’re already in constant cycles of relief, anxiety, and heartache that are “too much to bear” should be setting off major alarm bells. I imagine you were charmed, excited, and flattered by the person you met and fell hard for him. Now you are constantly trying to find a way back to that sexy, emotionally intelligent person you fell for. The problem is he only exists in your head; you made him up. You fell for a first impression. You aren’t in a great relationship that’s having a blip. The real relationship is the fraught, painful one you have now. It’s highly unlikely it’ll get better.