For the first year of Gwyneth Paltrow’s marriage to second husband Brad Falchuk, they happily lived apart, a choice that the film star and Goop entrepreneur described as a way of preserving their individual autonomy and romantic sense of “mystery.”
Some might dismiss Paltrow’s live-apart arrangement as another example of an outré, Hollywood approach to intimate relationships, coming from a lifestyle influencer who famously promoted “conscious uncoupling.”
But Marin County journalist and author Vicki Larson says that live-apart couples are more common than people might think. It’s estimated that around 10% of adults around the world live away from their partners — and not necessarily because their jobs or personal circumstances prevent them from creating a home together, as Larson explains in her new book, “LATitude: How You Can Make a Live Apart Together Relationship Work” (Simon & Schuster).
Many of these live-apart couples choose to have separate households, even if they are married or in long-term committed relationships, making them part of a trend that’s gaining notice in media, academia and the general public, Larson observes.
This choice certainly raises questions, namely, who are these people and why don’t they want to live together? Larson’s book seeks to answer these questions, while also challenging the idea that cohabitation is necessary for all happy, successful relationships, or that people who choose otherwise are afraid of commitment.
To explore this new dynamic in personal and family relationships, Larson conducted extensive research and interviews. A former lifestyle editor for the Marin Independent Journal, Larson previously explored a new model for women’s midlife independence in her 2022 book, “You’re Not Too Old For That.”
When it comes to LAT couples, she found that such arrangements are not for everyone, but they can be beneficial to some, especially to women. As the saying goes, absence can make the heart grow fonder and, for some couples, potentially lead to more intimacy and better sex, she writes.
Here, Larson explains the LAT approach to coupledom and what it takes for willing partners to make it work. Catch her in person at 6 p.m. Wednesday for an author appearance at Sausalito’s Books by the Bay.
Q: When people think of LAT couples, they might envision couples who are living in separate cities because of careers. But that’s not quite what you’re talking about, is it? How are LAT couples generally defined?
A: What makes LAT couples different is that they are choosing to live separately, because it suits their needs as individuals and as romantic partners. When “live apart together” was first coined by sociologists Irene Levin and Jan Trost in 1999, they said three things must occur to be considered LAT: the couple agrees that they’re a committed couple, others see them as a committed couple, and they must live in separate places.
That definition seemed too restrictive to me for the purposes of my book, so I include LAT couples who live on different levels or different parts of the same household or have different bedrooms in the same household, as well as people who are polyamorous and may have more than one committed partner, including solo polyamorists — people who have multiple intimate relationships, but not a main partner.
Q: What are some reasons couples choose to live apart?
A: There are so many! Sometimes couples choose to LAT because of their personality. Sometimes it’s due to different cleanliness or neatness levels or design aesthetics. Sometimes it’s just practical—one of you is a night owl, the other an early riser.
Some same-sex couples prefer LAT to keep their romantic relationships private, especially in places where it’s still not accepted or considered illegal. Other people have minor children from a previous relationship and don’t want to try to force a “Brady Bunch”-like situation.
Many divorced or widowed gravitate toward the lifestyle because they want to avoid re-creating anything that looks and acts like a marriage. Overwhelmingly, it’s women in their 60s and older who have a “been there, done that” attitude when it comes to relationships and are fiercely unwilling to give up their sense of independence.
Finally, some long-time spouses choose to live apart because they’ve hit a rough patch in their marriage and need space but don’t want to divorce. Many of them say living apart has actually brought them closer.
Q: What are some of the benefits?
A: According to numerous studies, living apart together can offer the same commitment, love, intimacy, stability, equality, sex and all the other things many of us say we want in a romantic relationship while also giving a couple the much desired but elusive “room of their own.” Some of the benefits seem to prove that absence makes the heart grow fonder. When you live apart from your romantic partner, you have to work harder on your relationship, including your communication skills and intimate connection.
Finally, let’s talk about sex. We’re all heard or read recently about the rise in sexless marriages. Since way more people live together than live apart, clearly living with a romantic partner doesn’t automatically mean they’re having sex.
Q: The LAT lifestyle isn’t necessarily a new thing in human existence. What are some historical examples?
A: Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz has written extensively on how sharing a residence is not universal for many couples — across the globe and throughout time. For instance, the Ashanti men of Ghana and Indonesia’s Minangkabau men live with their mothers and sisters even after they wed. For nearly 250 years, African Americans in the United States were beholden to their White slaveholders and were often forced to live apart. But if anyone did the most to keep spouses sleeping apart, it probably was the Victorians with their prudish attitudes.
Q: You’ve found lots of research that shows that the LAT choice often benefits women more than men? How?
A: More wives than husbands say they just don’t have enough time and space to themselves, according to psychologist Terri Orbuch. That’s partly because women tend to do more of the caregiving for children or aging parents or both, even if they also work outside the house. Another study found that women in their 60s and older rated their health better if they lived alone instead of with a husband.
LAT relationships have been called the “gender revolution continuing into old age,” according to two Swedish researchers — a nod to the fact that boomer women have been on the forefront of restructuring family life in the past few decades, especially after no-fault divorce became law across the United States.
Q: What about couples with kids?
A: Melding families is often hard. Even if it isn’t, sometimes people don’t want to move their children away from the family home and neighborhoods, schools, and friends, or they can’t move to be closer to a new romantic partner because they share custody.
Q: Can you talk about the stigma against the LAT lifestyle?
A: Anytime people stray outside what society considers what a romantic relationship “should” look like, it invites questions, stigma and judgment. Living together is often seen a sign that you’re a committed couple, although that isn’t always the case.
Q: What are some of the practical or interpersonal challenges?
A: When you meet someone, start dating and fall in love, you are already living in separate households, whether solo or with parents or roommates. Nothing about their living situation has to change. It’s true that it’s cheaper to share rent or a mortgage payment, but there are other costs involved besides just financial costs, if one person has to move.
That said, LAT will not work well if both people aren’t fully in, or if one of you is jealous, has trust issues or whose attachment style is anxious. Many couples who enjoy the LAT lifestyle say you need to be “mature,” however you want to define that.