Connor Stalions, Jim Harbaugh and Michigan are incredibly guilty

The downside of the NCAA allowing college football players to make money off their names, images and likenesses (or NIL) is that we, the people, have been deprived of the trumped-up NCAA infraction scandals that have imbued the sport with so much shady character over its life span. Who can forget SMU receiving the mythical “death penalty” back in 1987? Or USC’s Reggie Bush getting his Heisman repossessed because his agent let his parents rent a house for free? Or Florida State, aka Free Shoes University, getting a year’s probation for letting its players raid a Foot Locker? All of these scandals — and the melodramatic takes they inspired — were unreasonable, unjust and utterly pointless.

But really, isn’t ALL of college football like that, all of the time? What fun is this sport if I can’t be an unreasonable idiot about everything?

Well thankfully, one brave man has stepped to the fore to revive the NCAA scandal culture of yore and to drag a powerhouse school down with him in his clumsy wake. I’m speaking, of course, of the now legendary Connor Stalions and the second-ranked Michigan Wolverines. You’ve probably seen the name “Connor Stalions” in the news many times already and have said to yourself, “Huh, that guy must be a midcard pro wrestler.” Nay nay. Thanks to his ongoing shenanigans, and thanks to USC star Caleb Williams suddenly turning into the second coming of Christian Hackenberg, Stalions is now the biggest name in college football. Here now is a convenient FAQ to help explain how he pulled it off and what comes next.

Connor Stalions is a former Naval Academy student and Marine captain who was so obsessed with Michigan football that he ingratiated himself into the program and stands accused of (not so) secretly filming the sidelines of opposing teams during games to steal their signals. He also, according to Richard Johnson of Sports Illustrated, composed a 550- to 600-page “manifesto” outlining a plan for Michigan to become the dominant program in college football from now until the end of time. Likely with him as the head coach.

Sounds like a pretty normal, easygoing dude.

Also normal: Stalions posting lengthy missives on a Wolverines message board that were so ornate and humorless that other forum members came to despise him instantly.

OK, so how do we know that Stalions wasn’t just a fanboy run amok rather than an official saboteur acting on the program’s behalf?

That’s what the NCAA is investigating. While current Michigan head coach and former 49ers pariah Jim Harbaugh denies any wrongdoing, and while Stalions himself appears to be a complete loon, there is photographic evidence of the latter standing on the Wolverines’ sidelines during games. And not way back on the sidelines, like a vice chancellor’s 8-year-old might. We’re talking right next to Harbs himself.
 
There’s also a record of Stalions receiving money from Jay Harbaugh — who serves as the Wolverines’ special teams coach and is the son of Jim — via Venmo for unknown reasons. Possibly for pizza, or for weed. But also possibly as an illicit payoff for doing a bunch of Spygate crap. Intrigue! What’s more, Stalions has ideas that read very much like someone who has dedicated his life to adopting the Go Blue mindset. From Johnson:
 
“Stalions’s pet theory was that athletes with lower SAT or ACT scores but high GPAs would be strong performers on the field because while test scores indicate intelligence, GPAs ‘give you work ethic.’”
 
That’s the exact sort of, uh, creative thinking that, in my opinion, Jim Harbaugh looks for in an underling.

Wasn’t Harbaugh already in deep s—t with the NCAA?

As much as any coach can be in 2023. Prior to the season, Harbaugh was staring down a four-game ban from the NCAA for improper recruiting violations — which apparently still exist — during the shortened pandemic season. Michigan supporters argue that all Harbaugh did was buy a kid a cheeseburger, to which NCAA Vice President of Hearing Operations Derrick Crawford ominously countered, “The Michigan infractions case is related to impermissible on and off-campus recruiting during the COVID-19 dead period and impermissible coaching activities — not a cheeseburger.” It’s never about a cheeseburger. Those who eat cheeseburgers lack a proper work ethic.
 
To demonstrate their supposed integrity, and to put that burgeoning scandal in the rearview, Michigan decided to self-impose a three-game ban on Harbaugh at the start of this season, against some of the Wolverines’ easiest opponents. QB J.J. McCarthy wore a “Free Harbaugh” shirt in bro-test. America was moved to tears.

But this Stalions business represents a more serious infraction, no?

As superficially amusing as it is, yes. Pete Thamel and Mark Schlabach of ESPN recently reported that Stalions purchased tickets in his own name — which, to be fair to him, sounds like an alias — to multiple prospective opponents in order to film their sidelines from the stands using his smartphone. Sources, including one person on the Michigan staff, told ESPN that Stalions had an official role in the program’s scouting department but was exclusively assigned to the unofficial work of stealing signals and then relaying them back to the coaches. That report also includes this enjoyably alarmist quote from “a Big Ten source,” which could be anyone ranging from Ryan Day to a random Illinois fan:
 
“This is worse than both the Astros and the Patriots — it’s both use of technology for a competitive advantage and there’s allegations that they are filming prior games, not just in-game.” 

You hear that? Worse than both the Astros AND the Patriots. Combined! 

Probably. Is the integrity of a midseason tilt with Northwestern not more vital to uphold than ensuring the continuation of free and fair elections in this country? I say yes. Those Dr. Pepper Fansville ads also say yes.

Is any more damning evidence in the offing?

Actually, yes. A report published Wednesday by the Washington Post also says that an unnamed, outside investigative firm found that Stalions, “played a major role in overseeing and coordinating sign-stealing efforts,” with the program spending more than $15,000 on these clandestine scouting efforts. The videos taken from this operation were uploaded to a hard drive that Stalions and other Michigan coaches accessed. There’s certainly more where that came from. The dam has busted open.

Where’s all this headed? Is Michigan guilty?

Michigan is SO guilty. It’s guiltier than O.J. I shouldn’t have to remind you that Michigan was already guilty of harboring a sports medicine doctor accused of abusing over 1,000 students in his tenure, apparently all with the tacit permission of Wolverines coaching legend Bo Schembechler. It’s also a member of the Big Ten, which has been the recent home of myriad other hideous scandals at Penn State, Michigan State, Ohio State and Northwestern. This conference makes the Catholic Church look like the safest place on Earth. Scandal is its birthright, and unlike the SEC, no one in the Big Ten seems to know how to skirt the rules of college football in ways that either allow for plausible deniability or are just too darn charming to punish.

But what about due process, I ask you?

I’m not sure I care about that.

Because the only reason to believe that Michigan didn’t improperly benefit from the scheme outlined by this scandal is if you look at its record in the College Football Playoff. Otherwise, Connor Stalions’s ties to the program are well-established, and he’s left a hilariously detailed paper trail that even the NCAA, in all its idiocy, can easily decipher. In fact, it’s rooting Stalions’s hard drive as we speak, likely finding even more evidence of subterfuge along with five more interminable manifesto drafts. 

And remember: The NCAA had its powers all but stripped away by the legalization of NIL. It’s dying to again exercise some of the bureaucratic frontier justice that was once its calling card. It wants to throw the book at someone, at anyone. Stalions and Michigan make for as juicy a target as any. It could be 1987 all over again, and Michigan has been just reckless enough, and arrogant enough, to deserve it.

So do you want them banned from college football for life for this?

Hell no. F—k the NCAA. I’m just here to watch everyone be stupid.