“Should I stop my birth control? ’Cause my career feels so small in the existential scheme of it all…” Charli XCX sings on “I Think About It All the Time,” a track from her hit album Brat. While my thought process isn’t identical to hers, I can’t help admitting how seen I felt by those lyrics. The question of whether I’ll become a mom or remain childfree always seems to lead to a torrent of others, leaving me more confused than I started. Will childbirth be as bad as people say it is? Am I emotionally prepared for the potential hurdles associated with adoption or fostering? Where will we live? Who will watch my kid while I work? If I stopped buying vintage coasters online, would that translate into the kind of savings that can feed and house and educate a child?
I normally turn to my various group chats for advice on all things life-choice-related, but this topic felt too big to be handled by just a small subset of pals. So I opened up the question of how you know you want or don’t want kids to a wider group, and found that I was far from the only one wrestling with “the whole baby thing,” as a friend recently dubbed it. Below, find answers from 17 people about how they made (or are still making) this deeply personal decision. And if you’re struggling with this topic or with related issues of infertility or pregnancy loss, take heart; as another friend recently reminded me, “Everything will probably be okay regardless.”
“That was the turning point for me …”: Parents on when they knew they were ready to have kids
Emily, 39, mom of a three-year-old: I always knew that I wanted a kid or kids. When I started dating my now-husband at 23, I made it clear that it was important to me and if he didn’t want them, that would be an issue for me. We got married, and then there was a decade of me telling myself I wasn’t ready, followed by two years of him telling me he wasn’t ready. By the time we started trying, I was 35, and like a true millennial, I assumed having a baby would be like pressing a button to order a Lyft or a sandwich. But it was not, and we had to do IVF (which, mercifully, was successful our first round).
Laura, 31, parent of an eight-month-old: Call it heteronormative Christian upbringing or call it knowing, but I always wanted a family. Could I ever see myself walking down the aisle in a white dress? No. Could I envision a swollen pregnant belly? Not really. I was diagnosed with PCOS when I was a young teen and at the time the doctor said it may be hard to have children. After that, I thought adoption would be my parenthood journey, which I’m still open to. But it really wasn’t until I fell in love with a woman and came out of the closet in my early twenties that I really felt any real pathway to parenthood. It “clicked,” so to say. I knew I was going to have my traditional AF ideal of family fulfilled with another woman. I don’t necessarily subscribe to those past traditional views of marriage, monogamy, gender, etc etc yet I kind of ticked all the white picket fence boxes as I drew closer with my now wife. We got married, found stability moving near family, and were both ready to start a family.
Kat, 39, mom of a three-year-old and a one-year-old: I was ambivalent about having kids until I was in my late 20s. Whenever I thought about it, it seemed impossible, largely because I did not feel like I was capable of taking care of even myself. At that time I was struggling financially, overwhelmed with work and addicted to cigarettes. I had started smoking socially but ended up smoking a pack a day, often while I was working. I tried a few times to quit unsuccessfully. At some point I realized that if I did not quit smoking, I could never have children, and I found that was very motivating. I started using a nicotine patch and quit soon after that. I was surprised by how motivating that was. I was reassured that I had been able to care for myself and my own body and health by quitting, even when it was very, very difficult. That was the turning point for me in realizing that I wanted to have kids, and that I was capable of it.