If you are an alive human being with internet access, it’s quite possible you’ve heard or seen a thing or two about praise kinks. This (dare we say…wholesome?) little corner of kinkdom has taken over ~le discourse~ recently, especially on—you guessed it—TikTok, where sex educators and self-proclaimed praise-kinksters themselves have opened up about what it’s like to crave (and get off on) approval in bed.
This newfound media attention surrounding what is, BTW, a very *not* new sex thing has raised some frequently (and not unfairly!) asked questions—namely: What’s the difference between a praise kink and just enjoying compliments? And yes, hi, we hear you—who doesn’t like hearing nice things about themselves, especially from someone they’re romantically/sexually attracted to? Is that really kinky or is it just, like, human nature?
So glad you asked! According to clinical sexologist Sunny Megatron, kink educator, editor of Zipper Magazine, and host of American Sex Podcast, praise kinks have their foundation in what some might consider to be the inherently human/not explicitly sexual desire to feel valued and appreciated.
“In vanilla contexts, this desire might manifest as craving recognition in the workplace, appreciation for performing domestic labor, or compliments about our appearance, thoughtfulness, or talents,” says Megatron. “But in day-to-day life, we don’t always get that validation, which sometimes leaves us feeling disappointed or devalued.”
Cue: praise kinks. Our sex lives are sometimes thought of as “adult playtime”—a space for adults to explore fantasies, behaviors, activities, and even identities that exist outside their day-to-day routines. Sex might provide “a safe container where we’re not only allowed to ask for what we want—we’re expected to specify precisely how we want it delivered,” says Megatron. For those with a praise kink, this might mean that sex can be a safe place where they feel empowered to seek the kind of positive affirmation they desire.
So what exactly is a praise kink, how is it practiced, and what makes it different from just, uh, liking when people are nice to you? All good questions! Lucky for you, we asked the experts. Here’s everything you should know about craving compliments in the sack.
So what, exactly, is a praise kink?
“A praise kink is exactly what it sounds like: receiving pleasure and gratification from being praised,” says sex coach Julieta Chiara. “This kink comes as a surprise to many, as they may perceive kink to be darker and more degrading.”
Indeed, praise kinks are sometimes thought to reflect a softer, potentially more widely accessible realm of kink—you know, less whips and chains, more words of affirmation. In fact, Megatron notes that praise kinks can often pop up in otherwise vanilla sexual contexts, even if we may not necessarily clock it as capital-K kink.
That! Said! Praise kinks are just as valid as literally any kink. “If phrases like, ‘You’re doing such a good job,’ ‘You’re so perfect,‘ or ‘I can’t get enough of you’ instantly turn your arousal level up to 11, you might just have a praise kink,” says Megatron.
“Praise kinks really feed into the need to feel seen, loved, and adored—to know we are doing a great job, that we are admired, and appreciated sexually or non-sexually,” adds Chiara.
Okay, so what makes a praise kink different from just liking compliments?
The main thing that makes a praise kink A Sex Thing as opposed to a Just Human Nature thing is context. Lots of non-sexual things get kinky real fast in, well, a sexual environment. And, ahem, this is actually a pretty fundamental part of how kink operates. A big part of what makes kinky stuff truly kinky involves playing with taboos—i.e., eroticizing things that are generally/societally considered non-sexual, off-limits, or, in some cases, sacrosanct.
Praise kinks tend to fall on the much more tame side of things. This kink doesn’t involve toying with the taboo so much as it plays on turning an everyday source of affirmation into something sexual.
“Praise kinks are far more intimate than getting a casual compliment: They happen within the context of a kink dynamic, which involves vulnerability and trust,“ says Chiara. “This often carries the positive weight of bonding, feeling safe, and surrendering into a [power] dynamic.”
If it helps to align praise kinks with a more widely understood variety of kink, it may make sense to think of a praise kink as the opposite of humiliation kink, says Megatron. “Praise kinks tend to fall on the opposite end of the spectrum from erotic humiliation.” Rather than craving consensual interactions that evoke feelings of embarrassment or shame, those with praise kinks seek validation and appreciation.
Perhaps most crucially, the thing that distinguishes a verified praise kink from your run-of-the-mill love of compliments is the “internal response” these kinksters get from praise and encouragement, says Megatron. “Positive reinforcement in intimate contexts typically triggers heightened sexual arousal in someone with a praise kink and/or causes them to slip into a blissful headspace.”
What does a praise kink look like?
As with literally all kink all the time, there are many different ways a praise kink can play out in bed.
“Praise can come in many flavors that are unique to each of us—body worship, being shown off to others, verbal compliments, gestures of affirmation, gentle encouragement, etc.” says Megatron.
This can include “being praised physically or verbally for their looks, accomplishments, or skills within an intimate, consensual kinky dynamic,” says Kiara. “Oftentimes, the person receiving the praise will do things to ‘deserve it’ or ‘earn it’ which in turn gives a sense of accomplishment.” Think: a classic, “Good girl” or “You’re so fucking good at that.”
In a BDSM context, a praise kink might involve ”praise for pain endurance, recognition of submissive service, being treated like a valuable object, or simply being called a good girl/boy/pet,” says Megatron. Hence, you might even see a slight overlap between praise kinks and degradation kinks, à la: ”You’re such a good little slut for Daddy.”
No matter how vanilla (or, uh, not-vanilla) your praise-kink sex may be, this kind of play still reflects the Dom/sub dynamic that is at the heart of pretty much all forms of kink. Basically, the person giving the praise assumes a superior role over the one who craves and ultimately receives that praise. (Though in some cases those roles can be reversed—say when a cuck praises a Goddess—though in that context the praise may be more about a cuck consensually degrading themselves before a Dom…more on that here.) And if that sounds like a horny good time to you, then by all means, go forth and be praised, you gorgeous babes, you.
Associate Sex & Relationships Editor